Sources:
1. The Quest for Love and Mercy by Muhammad al-Jibaly
2. Fatawa Islamiyyah
3. Marriage in Islam by Shaikh ‘Abdur-Rahman Abdul-Khaliq
Marriage is One of Allaah’s Laws
Allaah (Subhaanahu Wa Ta’aala) created our world and the laws that govern it. Among Allaah’s laws is that we need food to survive, air to breathe and revive our blood, rain to grow plants, and so on.
One of Allaah’s important laws is that things are created in pairs. Those pairs must join together in certain ways in order for reproduction to occur. Allaah says in Surat Adh-Dhaariyaat (51:49):
وَمِن كُلِّ شَيْءٍ خَلَقْنَا زَوْجَيْنِ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَذَكَّرُونَ
“We have created all things in pairs, that perhaps you may remember.”
This continues to be the way of reproduction for the humans, as Allaah (Subhaanahu Wa Ta’aala) says in Surat An-Nahl (16:72):
وَاللّهُ جَعَلَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجاً وَجَعَلَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَزْوَاجِكُم بَنِينَ وَحَفَدَةً وَرَزَقَكُم مِّنَ الطَّيِّبَاتِ
“Allaah has given you spouses from yourselves, and has given you, from your spouses, children and grandchildren, and has provided you with good things for your sustenance.”
Islam Urges the Muslims to Marry
Allaah (Subhaanahu Wa Ta’aala) commands the believers to marry and help those under their charge to marry as well. He says in Surat An-Nur (24:32):
وَأَنكِحُوا الْأَيَامَى مِنكُمْ وَالصَّالِحِينَ مِنْ عِبَادِكُمْ وَإِمَائِكُمْ إِن يَكُونُوا فُقَرَاء يُغْنِهِمُ اللَّهُ مِن فَضْلِهِ وَاللَّهُ وَاسِعٌ عَلِيمٌ
“Marry the unmarried among you and the righteous of your male and female slaves. If they should be poor, Allaah will enrich them from His favors. Allaah is Bountiful and Knowing.”
Also, Allaah’s Messenger (Salla-Allaahu alaihi wa sallam) commanded the young people to marry, and advised those of them who could not afford marriage to fast as a means of controlling their sexual desires. Ibn Mas’ud (Radia-Allaahu ‘anhum) reported, “We were with the Prophet (Salla-Allaahu alaihi wa sallam) while we were young and had no wealth whatsoever. So Allaah’s Messenger (Salla-Allaahu alaihi wa sallam) said, ‘Young men, let him who can afford marriage marry, for it helps lower the gaze and guard the private parts (i.e., preserve the chastity) and let him who cannot afford it fast, for fasting is a repression (of desire) for him.'” [Al-Bukhaari, Muslim, and others.]
And ‘Uthmaan (Radia-Allaahu ‘anhu) reported that Allaah’s Messenger (Salla-Allaahu alaihi wa sallam) said, “Anyone among you who has resources should get married because it helps lower the (lustful) look and guard the private parts (i.e. chastity) and whoever does not (have wealth) should fast, because fasting is a restraint (of desire) for him.” [Recorded by an-Nasa’i. Verified to be authentic by al-Albaani (Saheeh al-Jami’ no 6498)]
Allaah’s Promised Help
Allaah’s Messenger (Salla-Allaahu alaihi wa sallam)indicated that Allaah promises to help any person who aspires to marry in order to avoid sinning. Abu Hurairah (Radia-Allaahu ‘anhu) reported that Allaah’s Messenger (Salla-Allaahu alaihi wa sallam) said, “There are three individuals that it is a right upon Allaah to help them: a fighter for Allaah’s Cause, a mukaatib ( a slave who makes a contract with his master to purchase his freedom) , and one who seeks marriage for the purpose of preserving his chastity.” [Ahmad, at-Tirmidhi, an-Nasa’i, and others. Al-Albaani verified it to be authentic in Saheeh al-Jami’ no 6498]
Al-Khitbah (To be Engaged for Marriage)
Al-Khitbah occurs when a man asks the family of a woman to marry her and her family accepts or rejects this offer. This engagement (if accepted) is the door to marriage. It is an initial contract that will eventually lead to the marriage contract itself. The following steps of the Shari’ah must be taken with regards to khitbah:
1.To see the future wife before khitbah
When a man intends to marry a certain woman, and prior to formally proposing to her, it is permissible for him to look at her and see as much of her as is normally possible. This would help him make the right decision and be convinced that he would like her to be his wife.
Also, Jabir ibn ‘Abdullaah (Radia-Allaahu ‘anhuma) reported that he heard Allaah’s Messenger (Salla-Allaahu alaihi wa sallam) say, “When one of you courts a woman, if he could see of her as much as would convince him to marry her, he should do so.” [Recorded in Sunan Abu Dawoud, Musnad Ahmad, and others; verified to be hasan by al-Albaani]
The following hadeeth confirms this obligation:
Al-Mughirah ibn Shu’bah (Radia-Allaahu ‘anhu) arranged khitbah with a woman. The Prophet (Salla-Allaahu alaihi wa sallam) said to him, “Go and look at her because this will help your time together to be lengthened (to have harmony between the two of you).” [Ahmad, Saheeh at-Tirmidhi and authenticated by al-Albaani]
Abu Hurairah (Radia-Allaahu ‘anhu) reported that he was with the Prophet (Salla-Allaahu alaihi wa sallam) when a man came to him and told him that he had just married a woman from the Ansaar. The Prophet (Salla-Allaahu alaihi wa sallam) asked him, “Have you looked at her?” He replied, “No.” He (Salla-Allaahu alaihi wa sallam) said, “Look at her, because there is something in the eyes of the Ansaar – meaning smallness”. [Muslim, an-Nasa’i, and others]
Conditions:
When a man looks at a woman, it must be for the purpose of marrying her, and only if she is available for him to marry her. Looking for other reasons is a sin that must be avoided. Abu Humayd as-Sa’idi (Radia-Allaahu ‘anhu) reported that Allaah’s Messenger (Salla-Allaahu alaihi wa sallam) said, “When one of you courts a woman, it is permissible for him to look at her if he only looks because he seeks to marry her – even if she does not know (that he is watching her).” [Ahmad and at-Tabaraani (in al-Kabir). Verified to be authentic by al-Albaani (as-Saheehah no 97).
The following are the conditions for looking:
- Looking should be for the purpose of marriage, and not for the purpose of fulfilling a desire or a lust.
- A man may only look at a woman who is available for him to marry, knowing that should he propose, her family could possibly approve of him.
- Looking should be without touching or khulwah (privately meeting with her).
- Looking should be limited to the body parts that a woman is permitted to expose to strangers, namely, her face and hands. The difference between
- a casual look and the look if a man is seeking marriage is that the latter is allowed to stare and to repeat the look.
Looking at a Woman without her knowledge
Some of those seeking marriage request a picture of the young woman or to see her in person, or it is arranged for him to see her on some occasion when she is unaware of it.
Shaikh Ibn ‘Uthaimeen said, “It is not permissible for the suitor to be given a picture of the young woman, because of the dangers that it includes. He might play around with this picture or perhaps the picture does not give a true likeness of the one photographed. How many times does a person see a picture and it is far from the true likeness of the subject? Also, the picture might show the woman when she is beautiful and wearing make up, more than is natural, and so the intended husband is mislead by her. [Fatawa Islamiyyah]
Other reasons for not depending on pictures include:
1. If the photographs are determined to be permissible in a particular situation, they still need to fulfill certain criteria, such as not to show a prohibited thing, like a woman without full hijab.
2. When a courter looks at a woman that he wishes to marry, his looking can be controlled by her wali so that it would not invade her privacy or exceed what is permissible. This is not the case with a photograph. A man can stare at it longer, show it to others who are not supposed to see it, and keep it in his possession even in the case where they have decided to terminate the courting negotiations. It is possible that this could lead to serious dangers– especially for the woman.
For all the above stated reasons, we believe that exchanging photographs is not permissible except in situations where one of the woman’s ma’hrams would show her photograph to the courter without leaving it in his possession. [The Quest for Love and Mercy by Muhammad al-Jibaly]
As for looking at her in person or it being arranged for him to see her on some occasion without her knowledge, there no objection to this. Indeed it is one of those things which is required so that he may know what is his situation, provided the following conditions are fulfilled:
- He is not alone with her.
- His looking should be practical, not for pleasure and gratification.
- He should feel that he is most likely to accept, if she pleases him.
The Sunnah does not set a limit as to what one can see of the woman he intends to arrange khitbah with. The most a woman can show to a stranger are her face and hands. Is this the limit as to what one can see of his future wife? Some scholars of Fiqh (Islamic Jurisprudence) hardened their stance and said that one can only see the face and hands of the woman he intends to marry. Others permitted the man to look at more than the minimum that is specified above based on the previous hadeeth of Jabir (Radia-Allaahu ‘anhu).
However, some scholars do not favor this opinion for a number of reasons. Most importantly, it could easily be abused by the sick hearted, opening for them a wide gate for defaming or lusting after innocent women.
Note: Just as a man is allowed to look at his intended wife, a woman is allowed to look at her intended husband- with the above conditions, and noting the man’s ‘awrah (prohibited parts) extend from his navel to his knees. Of course, a woman is expected to have modesty and shyness, and her looking should reflect that.
2. To be with a woman in seclusion (Khulwah) is not acceptable
Privately meeting with a strange woman, whom one can theoretically marry, is impermissible even with a woman a man intends to marry. There are many ahadeeth that affirm this rule, including the hadeeth by Jabir (Radia-Allaahu ‘anhu) that Ahmad related, “Whoever believes in Allaah and the Last Day, let him not be alone with a woman without her Ma’hram (a man whom she can never marry, such as her brother, father, etc.) present with her, otherwise, Satan will be the third party present.” Furthermore, al-Bukhaari and Ahmad related that ‘Uqbah ibn ‘Amir said that the Messenger of Allaah (Salla-Allaahu alaihi wa sallam)said, “Do not have an audience with women (in private).” A man from among Al-Ansaar said, “O Messenger of Allaah, what about the in-law?” The Messenger said, “The in-law is death.” Also, ibn ‘Abbas (Radia-Allaahu ‘anhu) said that the Messenger of Allaah (Salla-Allaahu alaihi wa sallam)said, “It is impermissible for a woman who believes in Allaah and the Last Day to travel for one day and one night without a Ma’hram with her.” [Al-Bukhaari and Muslim]
These ahadeeth testify that being in seclusion with a woman whom one can marry is impermissible even for him who seeks marriage, except in the presence of the woman’s Ma’hram.
3. To seek engagement to a woman who is currently engaged in a Khitbah is impermissible
A family can entertain more than one candidate for the khitbah that leads to marriage. However, if the woman agrees to the engagement to any one of them, then Islam strictly prohibits others from coming forward for khitbah, because this will lead to enmity between Muslims.
‘Uqbah ibn ‘Amir (Radia-Allaahu ‘anhu) reported that Allaah’s Messenger (Salla-Allaahu alaihi wa sallam) said, “A believer is a brother to another believer. It is not permissible for a believer to negotiate a deal that his brother is negotiating, nor propose to a woman to whom his brother is proposing (he should wait) until he (the former) quits.” [Muslim]
Abu Hurairah (Radia-Allaahu ‘anhu) reported that Allaah’s Messenger (Salla-Allaahu alaihi wa sallam)said, “Let not any of you propose to a woman to whom his brother is proposing. (He should wait) until he marries or quits.” [Recorded by an-Nasa’i. Verified to be authentic by al-Albaani]
Ibn ‘Umar (Radia-Allaahu ‘anhu) narrated: The Prophet (Salla-Allaahu alaihi wa sallam)prescribed that one should not try to cancel a bargain already agreed upon between some persons (by offering a higher price). Also a man should not ask for the hand of a lady who is already engaged to his Muslim brother. [Al-Bukhaari]
Abu Hurairah (Radia-Allaahu ‘anhu) reported that Allaah’s Messenger (Salla-Allaahu alaihi wa sallam)said, “Let not a man propose to a woman to whom his brother is proposing, nor negotiate a deal that his brother is negotiating. A woman may not be married to a man who is married to her paternal or maternal aunt. A woman should not request that her sister be divorced so that she would fill her own plate (with food) or get married (instead of her), because she will only receive what Allaah has prescribed for her.” [Muslim]
Some Bid’ahs (Innovations) of Today with Regards to Khitbah
There are many violations that some Muslims have introduced into the process of khitbah. Many of those violations arise from blind imitation of the non-Muslims. In what follows, we mention a few of them:
1. After the engagement, and before the marriage contract, the woman’s family permits her to go out with the “fiancée”, have khulwah with him, and even touch and kiss him.
2. Some people think of the engagement as a “test-drive” period in which they fully try out their partners to see if they will be able to pursue a long life together. Accordingly, they commit many minor and major sins, including zina (adultery). And unfortunately, many of those engagements prove unsuccessful and end up in separation before marriage!
3. Some families like to extend the engagement period to months or even years, thereby increasing the chance that the engaged couple could fall in to sin.
4. In many Muslim countries, the khitbah is held publicly in the form of a reception or party in which drinks are served, music is played and the bridegroom kisses the bride or takes pictures with her. All of that is in great discord with the Sunnah and the Islamic teachings, and therefore should be totally avoided. A khitbah should not be publicized because no legal Shari’ah consequences result from it. If, for any reason, a publicized khitbah is not concluded with actual marriage, serious harm may result from publishing it, especially in regards to the bride’s reputation.
5. The engaged couple often exchange “engagement” rings, and the bridegroom gives the bride jewelry and gifts at the time of khitbah. This too is in violation of Islam, since there is no reason yet for any property or gifts to take place – until they are legally bound by the marriage contract. In many cases, this premature act leads to serious disputes if the engagement is broken for any reason. Furthermore, the “engagement” ring has no basis in Islam. It originates from an old Christian practice that the Muslims should not imitate.
The Ruling on wearing a (Diblah) Wedding Ring
As for wearing a (diblah) wedding ring, Shaikh Ibn Baz (Rahimahullaah) said, “We know of no basis for this deed in the Islamic law so it is better to leave it, whether the diblah is made of silver or anything else; but if it is made of gold, then it is forbidden for a man, because the Messenger (Salla-Allaahu alaihi wa sallam) forbade men from wearing gold rings.”
We advise our Muslim brothers and sisters not to indulge in such Bid’ahs that were spread in the Muslim world by the hands of those who imitate non-Muslims. In Islam, the man cannot enjoy his fiancée in any form, except after their marriage contract is signed and announced.
Also, it is not permissible for the engaged couple to meet secretly or see what one should not see of his or her future spouse. Furthermore, we affirm that exchanging engagement rings is un-Islamic, even if many Muslims approve of such a practice. For an act to be popular and widespread does not mean that Islam allows it. We also affirm that if a man spends any money on his fiancée, then he should not take back any of it. The Messenger of Allaah (Salla-Allaahu alaihi wa sallam)said, “Those who go back on their gifts (take back) are like the dog when it vomits and then eats its vomit!” [Al-Bukhaari] Therefore, if one gives gifts to the woman whom he intends to marry, then he cannot ask to have his gifts back after the khitbah is broken. However, if the woman is the one who severs the khitbah, then she must return her fiancée’s gifts, unless he agrees for her to keep them. Indeed, it is an obligation on the woman to return what her fiancée spends on her if she severs the khitbah, just as she is obliged to give him back his dowry if she seeks to divorce him.
We now know that unlike marriage contracts, khitbah does not establish any special rights for the man or the woman because it is only an agreement for marriage. When khitbah is broken, no consequences will arise because marriage did not exist.
The Most Blessed Marriage is the Least Expensive One
Shaikh Ibn ‘Uthaimeen (Rahimahullaah)said in al-Fatawa:
“Extravagance in dowry payments and wedding celebrations are all in conflict with the Islamic law, because the most blessed marriage is the least expensive one; and the more the expenses are decreased, the more the blessings are increased. In most cases, this is a matter which falls upon the women, because it is the women who impose excessive dowries on their husbands. Likewise, extravagance in wedding celebrations is one of those things which Islamic law has prohibited, and it is included in the words of Allaah, the Most High, in Surat al-A’raaf (7:31):
وَلاَ تُسْرِفُواْ إِنَّهُ لاَ يُحِبُّ الْمُسْرِفِين
“But waste not by extravagance, certainly He (Allaah) likes not
Al-Musrifin (those who waste by extravagance).”
The Ruling on the Relationship before marriage
It is important to know and act upon the ruling of the relationship of a person with his fiancée. Shaikh Ibn ‘Uthaimeen (Rahimahullaah) said, “Before the contract of marriage, and during the proposal or before it, it is forbidden, impermissible for a man to enjoy the company of a woman who is unrelated to him, either by speech, or by looking at her, or by being alone with her; because it has been confirmed from the Prophet (Salla-Allaahu alaihi wa sallam) that he said, “No man should stay with a lady in seclusion except in the presence of a Dhu-Ma’hram. A woman should not travel except with a Dhu-Ma’hram.” [Muslim]
In short, it may be said that there is no sin in meeting after the contract has been made. But if it is before the contract, even if it is after the proposal and the acceptance of the woman, it is not permissible, and the man is forbidden to the woman because she is not related to him until he makes the marriage contract with her.
The Ruling on the Marriage of a Muslim Woman to a Christian Man
Ibn Jibreen (Rahimahullaah)said, “It is forbidden for a Muslim woman to marry a Christian man or any other disbeliever, according to the words of Allaah, the Most High:
وَلاَ تَنكِحُواْ الْمُشْرِكون حَتَّى يُؤْمِنَّ
“And give not (your daughters) in marriage to Al-Mushrikun till they believe (in Allaah Alone).” [Surat al-Baqarah 2:221]
فَلَا تَرْجِعُوهُنَّ إِلَى الْكُفَّارِ لَا هُنَّ حِلٌّ لَّهُمْ وَلَا هُمْ يَحِلُّونَ لَهُنَّ
“They are not lawful (wives) for the disbelievers nor are the disbelievers lawful (husbands) for them.” [Surat al-Mumtahinah 60:10]
The Ruling on Giving a Daughter in Marriage to One Who does not pray.
Shaikh Ibn Baz (Rahimahullaah) said in al-Fatawa:
“It is not permissible for a person who does not pray to be married to a Muslim woman who does pray, because abandoning prayer is an act of major disbelief, according to the saying of the Prophet (Salla-Allaahu alaihi wa sallam), ‘Between a man and polytheism and disbelief is the abandonment of prayer.’” [Muslim no 82]
The Ruling Regarding the Woman’s Wali
A woman may not independently give herself in marriage. Her wali (guardian) should represent her in doing that. He should take her consent if she is a virgin. Otherwise, he should follow her instruction. Abu Musa al-Ash’ari, ‘Abdullaah ibn ‘Abbas, Jabir ibn ‘Abdullaah, and Abu Hurairah (Radia-Allaahu ‘anhu) reported that Allaah’s Messenger (Salla-Allaahu alaihi wa sallam) said, “A marriage (contract) is not valid without a wali.” [Recorded by Ahmad, Abu Dawoud, and others. Verified to be authentic by al-Albaani]
Thus, the presence of the wali for the execution of the marriage contract is a condition for its validity.
Who is a Woman’s Wali
Normally, a woman’s wali is her father. If, for any reason, her father is unable to be her wali, her wali would then be her next closest ma’hram (grandfather, son, brother, uncle, etc.).
If the woman’s close relatives are non-Muslims, they may not be her Shar’i guardians. Allaah says in Surat an-Nisa (4:141):
وَلَن يَجْعَلَ اللّهُ لِلْكَافِرِينَ عَلَى الْمُؤْمِنِينَ سَبِيلاً
“Allaah will never grant to the disbelievers a way (of authority) over the believers.”
A woman may not take another woman as her wali. Abu Hurairah (Radia-Allaahu ‘anhu) reported that Allaah’s Messenger (Salla-Allaahu alaihi wa sallam) said, “A woman may not give another woman in marriage, nor may a woman give herself (independently) in marriage.” Abu Hurairah (Radia-Allaahu ‘anhu) added: “For, indeed, it is an adulteress who gives herself in marriage (without her wali’s consent.)” [Recorded by Ibn Maajah, al-Bayhaqi, and others. Verified to be authenticated by al-Albaani.]
If the bride does not have a Muslim blood-relative as a wali, the Islamic authority, represented by the ruler or judge, will appoint a wali for her. In many non-Muslim countries, the local Imam of a Muslim community carries out the common duties of an Islamic judge, and will therefore be the wali of a woman who has no wali.
‘Aishah (Radia-Allaahu ‘anha) reported that Allaah’s Messenger (Salla-Allaahu alaihi wa sallam) said, “A marriage contract is not valid without a wali. And the (Islamic) authority is the wali of the one who does not have a wali.” [Recorded by Ahmad, Abu Dawoud, and others. Verified to be authentic by al-Albaani]
Marriage without a Wali
From the above, we conclude that the presence of the wali (or his representative) is a required condition for the validity of the marriage contract. Therefore, a marriage that is held without the wali’s consent and approval is null and void.
‘Aishah (Radia-Allaahu ‘anha) reported that the Messenger of Allaah (Salla-Allaahu alaihi wa sallam)said, “Any woman who marries without her wali’s permission, her marriage is void, her marriage is void, her marriage is void. If he (the husband) performs intercourse with her (despite the invalidity of their marriage), the mahr becomes her right because he had access to her private parts. And if they dispute (with the wali about this or other matters), the ruler would then be the wali of the one who does not have a wali.” [Ahmad, Abu Dawoud and others. Authenticated by al-Albaani in al-Irawa’ no 1840]
An Unreasonable Wali
A wali is required to represent his ward and serve her best interest. From the above hadeeth of ‘Aishah (Radia-Allaahu ‘anha), we see that if the wali causes unnecessary harm to his ward or prevents her from doing things that Allaah has made permissible for her, she may protest and petition her case before the Islamic authorities. If her allegations are found true, the Islamic judge may command the wali to change his course of action, and he may remove the guardianship from him and transfer it to another man, or make some other decisions as he sees fit.
The Suitable Age For Marriage
Shaikh Ibn Baz (Rahimahullaah) advised young women not to refuse marriage from a man due to his age, such as being ten, twenty or thirty years older than her. This is not a valid reason, because the Prophet (Salla-Allaahu alaihi wa sallam) married ‘Aishah (Radia-Allaahu ‘anha) when he was fifty three years old and she was a nine year old girl at the time. So being older is not harmful. Also, there is no sin or harm in the woman being older. The Prophet (Salla-Allaahu alaihi wa sallam) married Khadijah (Radia-Allaahu ‘anha) when she was forty years old and he was twenty five years old. It is obligatory for a woman to look at the (prospective) husband, and if he is righteous and suitable, she should agree, whether he is older or younger than her. In short, age should not be an excuse and it should not be considered something shameful, as long as the man and the woman are righteous.
Marriage First
There is a widespread custom of young women or their fathers refusing those who propose to them until they have completed their high school or university education. Shaikh Ibn Baz (Rahimahullaah) gave an advice to all young men and women to marry without delay and to hasten to it if conditions permit, as the Prophet (Salla-Allaahu alaihi wa sallam) said, ‘O young men! Those among you who have the means and the ability should marry, because it restrains the eyes (from evil glances) and preserves the private parts (from immorality). And whoever is unable to do so, should fast because it is a protection for him.’ [Al-Bukhaari no 5066 and Muslim no 1400]
Shaikh Ibn ‘Uthaimeen advised young people: “Refusing marriage causes loss of the benefits of marriage.” He further advises Muslim brothers who are guardians of women, and adult Muslim sisters, “not to refuse marriage in order to complete their education or training. However, it is possible for a woman to make it a condition of marriage that she be allowed to continue her studies until she has completed them, and likewise to continue to teach for a year or two, as long as she is not busy with children and there is no objection to this.”
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